Welcome to my coloumn. Don’t listen to that other guy, Cliff. Let him find his way off the cliff of sobriety and into an STI that a cure has yet to be discovered. Instead, your should listen to this Guy. That is me, Guy Incognito, a degenerate gambler. I’ll bet on anything ’cause I have what it takes to lay down a bet. How often do I win? That’s irrelevant, but let’s just say you’re not truly living unless you’ve missed a mortgage payment here or there, or for the last 3 months. If you really want to know who is going to win the BBPT Cup this season, you need to have insider information. And that’s what I got for ya. The goods from worst to best:
Smallers – While rumours about D-League poker play are very true, the real dirt is this Cup hopeful has been playing less and less cards and more and more Rocket League. What’s that you ask? A video game that combines driving cars and soccer. Sources say that he’s so addicted that he’s playing until 3:00am on weeknights. It seems Small-Job would rather lose to 13-year-olds trash talking on x-box than take the time to practice his craft.
Mike – Sources from the Mike L’s camp say pressure has gotten to the Drunken Master. He’s shut down all forms of communication and rarely speaks with anyone. Although, some say that’s due to his stubborn divotion to a technology company that can’t produce a phone that allows for proper communucation. “He can’t even make the right decision to switch to a proper smartphone producer. How the hell is he going to win a the cup?” a source explained. It seems Mike’s lack of decisiveness has him in an eternal headrub of anxiety. Something we haven’t seen since early BBPT seasons.
Mark – The most fascinating study of human species walks among us. He’s bothing winning and losing at the same time. The duality of this complex beast is too much to comprehend. The nights when he’s dialed in, he’s an unstoppable force. But then break hits, and he’s off to another dimension bending time & space and creating new ideas of what existenialism really means. Word has it that the academic world is chomping at the bit to get a look inside the mind of Mark.
Kyle – High off a tournament win, a lot of gamblers would back this horse. But the real skinny is that Kyle full of rage and can’t live without rageahol. Weather it’s slow dealing or bad beats, his anger clouds his judgement to play at elite levels.
Jay – Mr. Cruel Intentions is too Hollywood for this tour. A TMZ like site reports “Jay’s committed to the game but don’t want hear ’bout practice.” With only 1 season under his belt, he’s got a long way of learning how to go the distance on the tour.
Jeff T – A whirlwind of speculation suggest that Jeff’s number crunching of Rainman like proportions at the tables have caused some serious problems outside the game. “The dude will not buy underwear from K-Mart – but that store ain’t around no more” said some guy involved in Jeff’s aliens church group. This could be why Jeff has been dippin’ into the herbal teas. Trying to realign his chi so that he can center himself and finally take the step in the winner’s circle.
Chris D – If there was man I trusted more on this tour, it would be Chris. All you have to do is look into his eyes and see a fire that has taken over his soul this season. After 7 disapointing seasons of terrible poker play, Chris has turned a new leaf and he’s finally a person you can dab-pend on. It would take a Super Bowl of historic and epic colllapse for this soul to bounce his way out of a championship.